What I wish for
by littleleaf89
Summary: When Kirika decides to leave Mireille, she has to find out that it's not that easy. Shoujoai MireilleXKirika rated T to be safe.


A few things I want to say. First this is only the second fic I've ever finished so far and my first Noir story. I hope you don't find them too much OOC, but I just felt like writing a sweet little story about Kirika and her Mireille. Any kind of reviews is very welcome especially constructive criticism so I can develop my writing abilities.

The lyrics I put at the start are from a song of which I neither know the title nor the interpret. I just heard it on the radio an felt inspired somewhat.

Disclaimer: I don't own the song and especially Noir. If I did the shoujoai subtext wouldn't be just subtext 

_I don't know how or where to start_

_Here we're standing again_

_And it seems now from where we are_

_That our road has come to an end_

I'm finished. Finished with everything.

´_It's best this way. _I keep telling myself.

I've been telling that to myself throughout the afternoon. Like a mantra. I had to repeat it to keep me going on. From the moment I made my decision I knew it was right. Yet every little inch of my being revolted.

_'It's best this way.'_

Mireille was out today. She left after breakfast, to go to the hairdresser and to meet and old friend for lunch afterwards. I know how those days of her continue. She will leave her friend after a cup of coffee, then she'll walk a few steps until she passes by the next boutique and then there's no stopping her. She'll spend the whole afternoon shopping.

Though we've been living together for over a year now, I've never been able to understand why she' so crazy about shopping clothes and shoes, not to forget bags and… I could list up even more. I've never understood her obsession, I buy what I need and perhaps one or two additional things that catch my eye, but that's it.

Nevertheless Mireille's habit meant I've had plenty of time to get ready for what I was up to do.

After she had left I tidied up the apartment. I had lunch in a tiny bistro round the corner, then set off for the supermarket to get groceries for dinner. I also purchased a box of those chocolates she likes and a bottle of Mireille's favourite bubble wash.

Looking around the room once again I'm pleased with what I see. Everything's neatly at its place, everything's clean, the plants are watered, the table is set and the dishes are ready. Everything is prepared like I planned. Plus the sinking sun shines in through the window, bathing the room in a soft golden glow. Only Mireille's not here yet. If she doesn't show up soon, dinner will get cold.

Again I play the scene in my mind that is about to happen. I've decided to do it.

_'No, I won't turn back.'_

The words are set; all I have to do is speak them aloud. All day I've been gathering up the courage, to tell her what I don't want to but must.

I should have done it earlier, far earlier, I know that, yet I was too selfish. I've been so happy the past year, happier than ever before in my life and I didn't want to give this feeling away. For the first time as far as I can remember I hadn't been alone. But I'm destined to be alone. I've brought Mireille nothing but sorrow and pain. I only hope it's not too late to make up for it.

A click at the door tells me that she's finally back. She enters the room and flashes me a smile while putting her bags down on the pool table. I love that beautiful smile of hers. I don't ever want it to fade.

"Mireille, dinner's ready." I tell her.

"Just a moment. Come over here, have a look what I've bought for you." She gestures me over with one hand, the other one busily searching in one of the bags.

"Voila!" she presents me a pale pink shirt with an embroidery " I'm sure you'll look really cute in it. Try it on !"

I try to return her smile, but I guess I rather fail.

"Thank you Mireille. It's nice. I'll try it on after dinner." I say and take it out of her hands.

She pouts a little but strides over to the table all the same.

"Fine, I'm hungry".

I lay the shirt down on the bed.

_'Mireille, why are you making it so hard for me?'_

She tries to be kind to me, to hide her true feelings from me. But I have noticed, noticed it a long time ago in fact. I heard her crying in the night, when she thought I was asleep.

It started shortly after the last fight at the manor. She regrets having saved me then. I know it. Her family haunts her, screaming for revenge, revenge on their murderer, on me.

She should have let me die. It would have been just fair, I brought nothing but pain to her. Years ago I killed her parents when she was just a little child and later she was forced to kill her uncle because of me as well. I've taken away her whole family without another reason than having been ordered to.

Yet I must admit at first I was glad she saved me. Glad she said she wanted me to stay with her.

I love her. I've fallen for her long before, there's no use in denying it. I love her blond hair glowing in the sun, her perfect shaped body, her snobbish yet kind nature and most of all her smile. Whenever that wonderful smile claims her face, her steel blue eyes grow so warm, revealing for a short moment the depths of emotions within her.

I always knew I don't deserve her after all that I've done to her but I couldn't help to hope.

Her smile will fade with me around.

This has finally gotten into my mind. I can't stand it anymore to be the one who makes her suffer, when all I desire is her to be enjoying life. So I have to go, for that she can be happy, without the demon of her past. She's the only one who means something to me in this cruel and cold world.

She has not such a tremendous guilt to carry as I do. My Mireille deserves a happy life without the burden of having me around. Therefore my decision is to go, to free my beloved of my doomed existence. For her sake, as it should be mine alike.

"Kirika!"

Mireille's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. "You've just told me dinner's getting cold and no you don't come to eat yourself. What are you doing back there?" she shouts through the room. I glance at my suitcase. It's packed, ready to leave.

_'After dinner and tea.'_ I tell myself.

"I'm coming" I answer her calmly.

At first Mireille tries to make some conversation, but I'm withdrawn in my thoughts again. In the end she gives up. The rest of the meal passes by in silence.

After dinner I do the dishes, while Mireille is busy unpacking the rest of her shopping. We both work in silence. She doesn't even remind me that I haven't tried on the shirt yet. Guess she's got it that I'm not in the mood, even if she doesn't know why. When I've poured us our usual cup of tea, I head back in the kitchen once more and fetch the box of chocolates I've bought her. The bubble wash is placed in the bathroom with a small card. "To Mireille" it says, like the one on the box in my hands. My heart is beating rapidly against my chest now, my hands become sweaty.

Why I want to tell her that I love her I don't really know. It could just remain unspoken, like so many other things we didn't tell each other. But somehow it's important for me that she knows. Perhaps it's some kind of a last naïve hope. Probably I only want to tell her because, I'm sure that she won't appreciate it. Leaving a shocked, angry, Mireille behind will make things a little easier. Or at least I hope so.

_'It's best this way!'_

I suppress the sudden urge to cry.

_'Calm down. Within five minutes it'll all be over'_

Taking a deep breath, I go back to the main room where Mireille is already half-finished with her cup of tea. I step in front of her and she gazes questioningly up at me. Those sapphire orbs of hers make me speechless. I feel like I could drown in them. Though my mouth is open the words won't come out. My heart screams NO with all its might. But I won't go back now. I'm no coward, not this time. My presence bothered her long enough.

"Mireille" my voice begins shakily "I … I love you." My voice is stronger now, after those words are finally out. "I just wanted you to know before I say goodbye"

Mireille stares at me, utterly confused, as I hand her the box of chocolates. I can't cope with the strange look in her eyes. There's something I can't decipher and I don't want to, either. Turning round to prevent myself from crying I rush towards the bed to get my suitcase. There is still no sound coming from Mireille. While heading to the door my eyes are glued to the floor. I don't want to look at Mireille, I don't want to see the accusation in her eyes. If I must forget her, I want to forget her smiling. Just as my hand reaches for the handle, the sound of a chair crashing onto the floor catches my ears.

A second later a hand is firmly placed on my shoulder. My body tenses.

"Let go." I say tuneless.

Instead of an answer Mireille places her second hand on my other shoulder as well.

"Please, let me go" This time I beg, already aware of the tears dancing in the corners of my eyes.

"Why do you want to leave all the sudden?" her voice asks from behind. It sounds strange.

"I don't want to burden you with my presence any longer." I reply, trying to hide the fact that my voice is at the edge of breaking.

"You mean more than the world to me." I add this last part in an almost inaudible whisper as tears now run down my cheeks. There's no reply. My hand pulls the door open.

'_Just_ _one step_ _forward.'_

The next moment I'm whirled round and caught in tight embrace, pushed against the solid door.

"Tu es une idiote! Complètement folle!" she cries before her lips crash into mine. Angrily she presses her lips against my mouth. Wrestling with them to gain entrance. I stand stock still, shocked for a second until my instincts take over. My mouth opens itself, allowing her tongue to enter, whilst my arms fling themselves around her slender waist. Mireille's one hand runs through my hair, the other is stroking my back. I shiver as it snakes under my shirt and I feel the touch of her soft fingers on my bare skin. A burning sensation spreads all over my body.

_'This is Heaven!'_

She still hasn't finished exploring my mouth, flicking her tongue against mine to tease it.

The salty taste of our kiss tells me I'm still crying.

This is what I've dreamed of, longed for in countless nights, sure that I would never have it. They're tears of joy I'm crying and tears of sadness at the same time, as it'll all be over as soon as we break the kiss.

After what seems like both, mere seconds and an eternity in bliss, Mireille pulls away, still hugging me tightly.

"Please, don't go away." She whispers "Don't leave me."

I still avoid looking at her. Hiding in the crook of her neck is far easier, and more pleasant I have to admit. My determination to leave for good has become quite weary after the kiss.

I lick my lips; they taste like peaches, peppermint tea and a hint of salt.

_'No, I have to get this over once and for all. Mireille has cried enough because of me!'_

Reluctantly I push myself away or rather her since I've got no space but the closed door behind me.

"Why?" She demands, keeping her hands on my waist. "Why did you come up with such a stupid idea?"

Now I can't avert her face any longer. Her blue eyes are slightly red, two smeared traces on her cheeks show the way her tears had went.

_'But she's still so beautiful.'_

Mentally I kick myself, thought as these won't be of any help now.

"Mireille" I slowly begin keeping my voice as void of emotions as I can "I simply have to. It's better for both of us. The sooner I leave the sooner you'll have forgotten me." '_And the same goes for me too, hopefully.'_

She seems to be taken aback by that.

"Why should I want to forget you?" disbelief evident in her voice.

I don't want to answer. Every explanation will keep me here longer, weakening my determination.

"I killed your family, your uncle", my façade is cracking, new tears brim in my eyes. "I'm a burden to you, to everyone. No good can come from my existence." My cool restrained voice is gone. "I don't want to be a burden to you any longer." I'm chocking, trying to suppress the sobs that fight to come out. Mireille simply looks at me. I see disbelief, surprise, worry. Once again I turn around, not able to stand it any longer. Her hands let loose my waist. Yet almost immediately her arms are flung around me again, pressing herself close to me.

"I won't let you go!", she breathes in my ear. I wriggle in her arms, silently pleading her to let me go.

I should have just left when she was away this afternoon. A simple note saying goodbye, or again a letter to explain my depart would have done it. Right now, with myself crying in her arms and she, my beloved, holding me back, I can't remember the reasons for making my leave so dramatic, as hard as I try to recall them.

"Kirika, I have already told you that it wasn't you who killed my parents. You were just the instrument used by the Soldats. You"

I cut her short. "But your uncle. I wasn't a child then."

"He put me to the choice: you or him. And I chose you."

I feel her nuzzle in my hair.

"You were my choice and you're the only one who means anything to me, Kirika."

It almost sounds convincing. For a short moment I'm tempted to allow myself the delusion that she actually means what she says. But then again…?

"Why do you cry at nights, Mireille? Why do you cry?" My question is only a whisper. I fear the answer, yet I need to hear it from her. The truth will confirm me, will settle it once and for all.

I'm not sobbing anymore, the streaks on my cheeks begin to dry. I expected her to let go of me now. Instead she embraces me even tighter.

"I remember how close I was to loosing you", she solemnly states. "It frightens me to think that you might be out of my life. I choose you, remember that Kirika. Now you're the only person that means something to me, the only one I have left."

Silence falls after her statement.

Those words, they've touched something inside me. I can't explain it. A warm sensation spreading out over my entire body.

Mireille didn't cry because of me but for me.

I really want to trust those words. Ever so slowly I turn around, searching for her eyes to see if they were honest. The look I receive in return is sincere; sincere and gentle. Letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding, my arms snake around her slim waist.

"Thank you for the chocolates", Mireille only says.

"I love you." I whisper to her, this time with nothing but joy about telling her that.

"I know", she replies. "And I love you for it."

We've been sharing the same bed from the very beginning when I moved in with Mireille, but this night it's special, like the first time.

After we've laid down on each side of the bed, Mireille switches the light off, though tonight she shifts around, turning to me.

"Don't I get a good-night kiss?", she asks in a slightly mocking tone and I can tell a smile is playing on her lips. Happily I inch closer and comply, attaching my lips to her soft full petals. She pulls me in her arms and I rest my head on her chest, letting myself been guided to sleep by her steady heartbeat. Tonight neither of us will wake up crying, for we both now have found what we've missed for so long.


End file.
